January 20, 2019, Sunday, 19

Fresher Staffing

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Rules for Staffing Around Freshers

Herein lie the rules and regulations for staff members of the Bedlam Theatre as agreed by the committee (may they rule happy for ten thousand years) on the night of the beheading and ritual drinking of the blood of Howard Evelyn Francisco Gimping-O’Malley, chief architect behind the building of the church that was once to become the Bedlam Theatre, when in the presence of students in their first year of studies.

1. Staff members may not meet the gaze of freshers lest the freshers catch fright and flee.

2. Staff members must at all times commit themselves to the task they have been assigned with solemn vigour lest they be seen acting slovenly by a fresher and are made the cause of ‘talk’.

3. Staff members must at all times be correctly attired in black Freshers’ week polo shirt and cast iron trousers (for male members of staff) or skirt reaching no higher than the bottom of the ankle (for female members). Cross dressing will not be tolerated.

4. Should a fresher deign to talk to a staff member, the staff member must grovel and cower before the fresher. Offers of self mutilation to appear less good looking than the fresher are looked upon favourably.

5. Staff members assigned to the refectory area must at all times keep it spotless. Freshers will be expecting to eat off the floor, it is the staff’s responsibility to ensure the possibility of this.

6. Staff members assigned to the auditorium may not watch the performance lest the establishment be accused nepotism within the ranks. Nor may they watch the audience lest the audience be overcome with timorous tendencies. They must at all times focus on a point equidistant between audience and performance while ensuring absolute safety for all present.

7. Staff members privileged by assignation to the toilet corridor shall ensure absolute cleanliness at all times. They are to perform checks for dirt every six minutes regardless of cubicle use.

8. Staff members assigned to billeting will masterfully turn every ticket into a small work of art thereby ensuring high fresher satisfaction levels. Lack of training will not be accepted as an excuse.

9. Staff members assigned to the refectory corner during performances will ensure the safety of the outdoor hall from detriment or larceny.

10. Any breach of conduct will be punished by enforced flyering for a really dull lunchtime.